From day one, I knew there was something greater and stronger beyond me. I didn’t have anyone particularly tell me or guide me into this knowing that there was something far greater beyond us when we die. I just knew. Perhaps it was the guilt factor that played a role or the fact that we went to church and didn’t understand much, but even in those hours we spent going to church listening to the preacher preach in an ancient language, something profound was definitely communicated.
I went through life knowing that this life was simply material, and yet through my teens I placed so much emphasis on beauty and the outward appearance. I had a low self-esteem, though I knew I was loved unconditionally, there was something that was always missing. Perhaps it was just the confidence and the faith to be myself as God intended me to be, that was lacking. Though I always knew there was something great for me to do or to be, I always tended to shy away from the limelight to give others the space to shine, ironic since I wanted to become an actress. This resulted in me abandoning my dreams of becoming an actress and a writer and leaning toward a career in psychology, where I hoped to assist young minds in becoming all they could be, without the looming terrorist of low self-esteem lurking in their minds.
I tried again at university to pursue this purpose. It seemed I think to others that I had it all together, but deep down, something always told me, why should I be so special to guide the minds and the hearts of others. My fear engulfed me and although I stepped in with one foot, I never fully took the necessary leap to pursue this career completely. I held back, for fear that I was not good enough, and for fear that I may do more damage than good. It didn’t occur to me that those children that would come to me were far more damaged than I would realize and that a little love and support would go a long way, either way.
Cringing from the life I knew that was intended for me, I conformed. I became a mother and a wife, leaning towards careers that involved finances and chose to stay away from others issues in the hope that I would come closer to my own issues and hopefully cleanse my soul of the mud that I had dragged my mind and soul through. To my shock and horror, the further I got away from the helping career, the more distant I became from myself. I became once more the anger driven, cold hearted and determined woman that lacked focus on clarity on compassion on love. The positive person I had become had been demoted to a worry filled anxious wife and mother who not only drained herself but those around her. I had become unrecognizable to myself. I was on my knees again financially, spiritually and was once again lifeless. The exhaustion of my mental state screamed through my body and I knew that if I did not do something to alter my state of mind and lifestyle, then the downward spiral would slowly destroy first and foremost my family, my children and disease would surely captivate my body as it does so many who are at unease with the lives they lead.
Thinking of ways to alter my lifestyle I began to pray, but prayer offered me only momentary comfort. I still felt unworthy of His Love. I began to think that perhaps it was my state that was affecting my husband and that this was perhaps one of the reasons he was so often out of work. I blamed him for so long for not being able to sell his work but had never considered that perhaps we were both on a path that separated us and that this caused greater harm to each of us individually. I got involved with so many internet marketing businesses, and began writing and promoting everything there was. I must have purchased over twenty promise filled life altering guru and energy healing psychobabble possible in the hope that my life would be altered. I knew however deep down that the truth was deep within me. That nothing would change if I did not devote myself to a life of purpose and love. God would not help me if I did not help myself. I had heard this quote so many times and had used it with others time and again repeatedly but never truly grasped the reality of what it meant. «God helps those who help themselves». The words rung through me like a loud ringing church bell. Yes he gives you the tools and promises support but never once does He promise to do it all for you! He chases you with nagging voices and provides you with instinct to follow your purpose, He may even hold your hand through the difficult and trying times, but He cannot walk you through the door. Your legs are the ones that need to do the walking. When your faith is low, He offers comfort and solace and tells you to come to him. He provides a corner and a moment to cry. Heck He even allows for a little self-pity, but there is a time when he nags you to take action against this sluggish falsifying and pitiful misery and He calls to you to come out of it.
There were so many times I heard this nagging resounding in my ears. The bed was too comfortable or a 9-5 job was too comfortable. Just the security of it all, and not having to move out of my comfort zone was far too soft and cushy. Friends and family offered opportunities that screamed purpose, but my heart was never there. Fear devoured me like a wolf devours sheep. I couldn’t shake the feeling. One thing I admit to, was my role as a woman. I felt responsible for so many other things that it was as if I would be taking away the breadwinning role from my husband. I didn’t want to shine, so that he could shine. What I didn’t realize however, was that by debilitating myself in this way, I was weakening the relationship. Being the best you, you can be is so much more attractive to the opposite sex. I knew this. Not only does it inspire those around you to follow their dreams, but it also opens up a whole new world of attraction that is based on pure love.
I had two weeks to go to giving birth to our child and only then was I beginning to feel as if something had to give. Things were looking desperate and perhaps this was my reason for climbing into this mode. I had my daughter at home sick with me so my time was limited. I slept far more simply to sleep with her in the hope that she would recover soon and return to school so that I could continue to find my purpose. Things just got worse however as the days progressed and I realized the more desperate I was, the less productive I was being. Time was no longer on my side. I had to do something. To change my behavior and attitude towards life and my family. I had to renew the essence of life. I had to reinvent my «joie de vivre!», and so it began!
I began with a strategy and called it Chooseday 🙂 Today I am happier, healthier and far more inspired by the little things in life.