8 weeks to go!



So 8 weeks to go and still I’ve not washed any clothes, the crib is still not put together . His room is a mess and he still has no name. I guess you’re wondering what I have been doing for the last 32 weeks. Well I’ll tell you. The first few weeks I was pretty much in denial, contemplating and trying desperately to understand why I was being punished so that I would have to go through yet another birth and another dreaded pregnancy. Now the first pregnancy wasn’t all that bad, in fact it was exciting at times. The birth on the other hand, well there’s no point in me giving you my view since each birth is subjective. Nonetheless, I felt a heaviness in the pit of my stomach as though it would be the end of the world and that after all my efforts to be the best possible mother for my dear Gabrielle, my fears of exposing her to jealousy and insecurities were coming to life. How could I now possibly avoid this scenario? When would I find the time for two children who deserved the world of happiness and the best possible experience of childhood one could offer? I simply couldn’t fathom the possibility and gave my self up to the defeated idea that I would be a terrible mother that would blame my children for my venting and inabilities to control them and my own life. I was doomed!

At some point in the second trimester, something changed. I’m not quite sure what or how, but I was suddenly in the scenario where it just was not an option not to give my Gabby the best of both worlds. Who was I to deny my beautiful precious angel the loving experience of childhood that she so deserved. I decided  firstly that there was no way I would stand in the way of that and secondly, why should a second child, or a sibling deny her that experience when he too deserved the very same. It is up to me to make it work right. So the second trimester was pretty much me warming up to the idea and convincing myself that if I couldn’t do it, there are hundreds of resources out there to help me make it work and I still believe that.

Coming into my third and last trimester and realizing I’ve done bugger all to prepare myself physically other than prepare myself emotionally I  can’t help but laugh. I just hope the little munchkin takes his time for now and I get a chance to at least wash his clothes and prepare his bed. Recalling what it was like the first year with Gabby being a baby, I think I can safely say that everything will be okay. Its just a baby, and though it will be hard having a demanding, tantrum driven toddler running after me, I think I can safely say, with 8 weeks to go, I am finally excited to meet my handsome little boy!

~In order for hope to come alive truly she must die a tragic heartwrenching death and enter the world again with a new freshness. Through her strength, courage and tenacity she helps us find true meaning!~

Treating pain

Pain is an irritating and overbearing companion that does not linger but makes its presence very known to its host. Its like a parasite however even the host sometimes gets too attached to the pain. It becomes something that you can identify with, whether its physical or emotional, when pain becomes a companion, it’s usually pretty difficult to get rid of this hurtful friend. Now I’m calling him friend and companion etc because when we become accustomed to someone, we usually feel they hold some value in our life, whether this is fruitful or not, their purpose is felt, although maybe not understood. Pain justifies our excuses for avoiding life, or social obligations we might feel we owe to the world. It also provides a reason to seek out sympathy and to use the sympathy card in situations where you feel it can be used. Sometimes though, and perhaps too often of the time, pain becomes a parasite that one cannot get rid of. It reaches beyond the surface and drives you to situations you perhaps don’t wish to be in. You feel stuck, but because you have used this excuse for so long, it is difficult to break the chain and live free from pain. Soon you find yourself isolated and even when you feel it’s no longer something you want in your life, you feel like you are too desperate and isolated. And perhaps you feel that you are the pain. This is the crucial moment where disease becomes introduced into your body. If you do not step away from the pain, be it physical, emotional or spiritual then it latches on and becomes you or so you may believe. It is often times very difficult to differentiate the two because in truth we were all born to die, and we will at some point but the key thing in life is to live, and when you live you are not in pain, or at least you appreciate what pain brings to light, address it and move on from it. Spiritual healers or energy healers can be your guide in seperating yourself from the pain and assist you to continue on your path of purpose. Steer clear of the traps that are thrown at you in life, for they will drag you downwards.
Remember always who you are, and that is a loving being, created in love. We all were, even if it is for just some moments, or some time, we were brought into this world in love. Hold that vision and it will become clear who you are, apart from the pain.

In love.

Dear Congress – Sincerely, A Mass Shooting Survivor

Laurie Works

Dear Congress,

I write you today upon hearing the grave news that another heinous mass shooting has happened, this time in Roseburg, Oregon. We learned today that at least 10 people have lost their lives, and at least 7 have been injured.

I write you this letter so that you can see the face of a survivor.  I write you this letter as someone who saw with my own eyes the horror of a mass shooting, a shooting that took the lives of my twin and younger sister and injured my father at New Life Church in December 2007. And most importantly I write this letter to open a dialogue about the role that gun violence has played in our country.

I say specifically to open a dialogue, because I am not strictly anti-gun. I feel that I am in a unique place to address this issue. About 3…

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For the lonely

So its lonely in your head where you dwell within your dreams, through towns and cities you may never have seen.
So its sad when you’re aware that almost everyone’s alone, though they have friends and family, most never truly feel at home.
Its a shame that people talk and judge the rest that live out loud, for it is they who are brave and those who judge that are too proud.
Crime is simple and love is hard, because the truth is that being true to yourself is the most difficult of all.
Is it worth it though in fairness, to be anything but true?
For at the end of it all, you’ll look back and wonder who’s who?
There are times and places for everthing, and sometimes both don’t coexist, and then things become more difficult, but then you’re challenged to insist.
There is nothing in the end that’s worth naught, for everything thats’s done has a reason, and in the end it is wisest that each should follow ther own torch.

If it doesn’t murder, it doesn’t matter!

My father always used to say, if it doesn’t murder, it doesn’t matter. This always brought me great strength and those words always wandered around in my head filling me with pride for my father. He drove us with these words, they were like fuel and when difficult times came along they were like music to our ears, forcing us up to face whatever there was that lurked around the corner, be it bills, heartache, work stress, dad was always there with those comforting words.

Today however, for some strange reason those words brought me nothing but sadness, and a deep frustration because I desperately felt the need to go home, home to Africa. Feeling like I had to just suck it up and move on and be the brave girl I was brought up to be was just not enough. I wanted to feel that I was allowed to cry, to express and to just break down if I wanted to. Today his words were like a knife driving into my heart and all I wanted to do was sob like a baby and have my father hold me. So I sobbed until there was nothing left to cry.

And then it hit me. He always knew what to say, I just didn’t know exactly how to interpret his words or his way. He was right, if it doesn’t murder, in other words, if it isn’t intentional or supposed to cause you cruel unimaginable pain as murder normally would, then no, it shouldn’t matter. For everything there is some sort of solution, and if there isn’t, the only solution is to accept whatever has come. We all will die, and yes it isn’t pleasant or anything we all look forward to, but it is part of life and so are many things, with their pain and their sadness, good things have a balance of both happiness factors and sad factors. Life is beautiful like that, otherwise why else would a beautiful candle lighting up a darkened room be so calming and peaceful. It would serve no purpose in the light. It would hold no beauty. Likewise, so are so many things in life sweetened by the saltiness. Summer isn’t appreciated well enough if one hasn’t experienced the bitter cold. Love would not be love if it held no pain, though the pain should be bearable, not murderous, when it becomes cruel and onesided, then it ceases to hold value.

So I guess I will have to agree and say thank you dad, for once again showing me the light, for it is in your absence that your words give me peace and comfort when I need you once more. If it doesn’t murder, it doesn’t matter, and really it doesn’t…