So 8 weeks to go and still I’ve not washed any clothes, the crib is still not put together . His room is a mess and he still has no name. I guess you’re wondering what I have been doing for the last 32 weeks. Well I’ll tell you. The first few weeks I was pretty much in denial, contemplating and trying desperately to understand why I was being punished so that I would have to go through yet another birth and another dreaded pregnancy. Now the first pregnancy wasn’t all that bad, in fact it was exciting at times. The birth on the other hand, well there’s no point in me giving you my view since each birth is subjective. Nonetheless, I felt a heaviness in the pit of my stomach as though it would be the end of the world and that after all my efforts to be the best possible mother for my dear Gabrielle, my fears of exposing her to jealousy and insecurities were coming to life. How could I now possibly avoid this scenario? When would I find the time for two children who deserved the world of happiness and the best possible experience of childhood one could offer? I simply couldn’t fathom the possibility and gave my self up to the defeated idea that I would be a terrible mother that would blame my children for my venting and inabilities to control them and my own life. I was doomed!
At some point in the second trimester, something changed. I’m not quite sure what or how, but I was suddenly in the scenario where it just was not an option not to give my Gabby the best of both worlds. Who was I to deny my beautiful precious angel the loving experience of childhood that she so deserved. I decided firstly that there was no way I would stand in the way of that and secondly, why should a second child, or a sibling deny her that experience when he too deserved the very same. It is up to me to make it work right. So the second trimester was pretty much me warming up to the idea and convincing myself that if I couldn’t do it, there are hundreds of resources out there to help me make it work and I still believe that.
Coming into my third and last trimester and realizing I’ve done bugger all to prepare myself physically other than prepare myself emotionally I can’t help but laugh. I just hope the little munchkin takes his time for now and I get a chance to at least wash his clothes and prepare his bed. Recalling what it was like the first year with Gabby being a baby, I think I can safely say that everything will be okay. Its just a baby, and though it will be hard having a demanding, tantrum driven toddler running after me, I think I can safely say, with 8 weeks to go, I am finally excited to meet my handsome little boy!
~In order for hope to come alive truly she must die a tragic heartwrenching death and enter the world again with a new freshness. Through her strength, courage and tenacity she helps us find true meaning!~